Is It Still Customary to Bring Wedding Gifts to the Reception?

Weddings come with all sorts of unspoken etiquette rules—many of which have slowly changed over time. Years ago, going to a nuptial celebration conjured up images of lugging large packages wrapped in shiny white and blue paper with silver bows into a reception hall. However in the age of overnight delivery, Venmo, and honeymoon funds, do you bring gifts to a wedding? The short answer, experts say, is, “No.”

“It's actually considered a bit rude to bring a gift to the wedding these days as it just adds a burden onto the couple to be responsible to manage it’s journey back to their home,” says Annie Lee, wedding planner and founder of Plannie.com.

Of course, this does not excuse guests from giving a gift altogether. To clear up any confusion, we asked an etiquette expert and an event planner what the right—and polite—thing is to do when it comes to mailing presents, writing out checks, and navigating the modern-day rules of wedding gift giving.

When to Bring Gifts to a Wedding

When asked when it’s appropriate to bring physical wrapped gifts to a wedding, both etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore and Lee say “never.” However, a check in a card is the exception. In fact, many couples prefer this. “I have never had a client say, ‘I hope everyone brings gifts, not checks.’ It's always the opposite,” says Lee. If a couple has a table or box to collect checks, it’s appropriate to leave yours there. But Whitmore is also a fan of sending a check in the mail so the couple does not have to deal with bringing envelopes home. She even believes in using the speedier and efficient method of electronic transfer via apps like Venmo and Paypal. 

As for how much to give in a check, Whitmore says that’s totally up to you. “I think the average is about $100. The old rule of thumb is give what you think your dinner costs, but those days are over. Old historic etiquette books might still say it.” Lee also suggests keeping reciprocity in mind. “If they attended your wedding and got you a gift, return it with one of equal or greater value,” she says.

Whitmore reminds guests that a gift does not have to be monetary. If you have a tight budget, consider donating your time to the couple by helping with wedding errands or set-up.

When You Shouldn't Bring Gifts to a Wedding

When buying a gift off the registry or giving any other physical present, always ship it, experts say. “This is not 1988. Always ship any gifts to the couple's home. No one wants to be responsible for collecting all the gifts at the end of the night nor do they want to be responsible for any gifts that grow feet and disappear,” says Lee.  Whitmore echoes this, adding that when she worked in the hotel industry, she saw many a gift get stolen. She adds that when shipping, you can track your present to make sure it gets to where it needs to be. So even if you don’t receive a thank you note, you’ll know it’s there without having to awkwardly ask the couple if they received it.

For destination weddings, shipping becomes all the more important. Remember that the couple will have to deal with packing and bringing home any gifts they receive at the wedding or paying to ship them home themselves. 

As for when you should mail the gift, the old school of etiquette says it should be sent within a year of the wedding. However Lee believes in sending gifts ahead of the wedding and Whitmore suggests within three months of the wedding. Exceptions, Whitmore says, might be custom-made gifts that take a lot of time.

Speaking of thoughtful gifts, Lee reminds guests to weigh the sentimental value of a gift versus the practicality of a check. “I like gifts that are significant and sentimental like the couple's registry China or other heirloom-potential gifts. The colander (or a "proverbial can opener' as Whitmore calls it) from their registry will not make them as happy as being handed an envelope,” she says.

Do You Need to Send a Gift If You Don’t Attend the Wedding?

This is where it gets tricky, says Whitmore. If you know the couple well, she suggests ordering something off the registry or at least sending a card with a check for however much you can give. A gift card could even work. Many couples these days also post honeymoon funds or other pools of money to which you can send what you feel comfortable contributing. If you don’t know the couple well, she says you are not obligated to send a gift.